First, I am down because I want to be pregnant! It feels like everyone around me is pregnant and it gets very sad at times. One of my best friends found out she is pregnant and I am so happy for her, but I would be lying if I said it didn't make me sad, I would love to be pregnant with her and for our kids to grow up together or just be close in age. At one time, there were 4 people pregnant that I work with and it's difficult listening to their stories and only hoping one day I will be able to talk about my ultrasounds (and it not being to see how I'm responding to Clomid) but to look at our baby. This is what I've been holding back and I do not intend to hurt any one's feelings, I'm just stating why I feel down.
Why am I sad? Well, after reading the first paragraph, I'm sure you're able to figure that out. I'm also sad because Jason and I have been together for 8 years and we have always talked about having kids. One thing he has said, when we started dating 8 years ago, is he would like to have kids by the time he's 30. Well, Jason's 30th birthday is coming up in March and I feel like such a let down, that I can't make that "wish" come true. I find myself thinking as another year comes to an end, If I get pregnant next year, I'll be 28, so when my child turns 20, I'll be 48! And I don't know why that bothers me, because so many people are waiting to have children later, but it does.
And the frustration...that only comes with frustration towards myself. I have let myself down with taking care of myself and focusing on weight loss. I have done that. For those who have battled with losing weight, you know it's not easy, but you would think it would be easier for me since I have an end result of making it easier to get pregnant, but it's not.
So, now if you're reading this you probably feel down because of my depressed attitude and I apologize because that is not what I'm trying to do. I just want to be honest with you all and with myself. I don't want to sugar coat anything, especially not my feelings, because it's not how I feel, but I will tell you, I am CHOOSING to try my best NOT to feel this way, everyday. I have decided that for the next 2 months, I am going to do my very best to try to focus on myself and my marriage with Jason. Jason and I have a wonderful marriage and are not having problems, but we need to be centered in our marriage and feel like a strong, prepared team to overcome the pregnancy battle. I am going to schedule an appointment with Dr G in December and with him develop a plan for 2011. I have a feeling that 2011 is going to be our year and hopefully we will be welcoming a baby in the new year. So, with that said, what can you do to help? Please remember to consider what we are going through and know this is one of the hardest things we will ever have to go through. Please pray for us. We know we have lots of prayers and support and we just ask that you please continue to do so. Also, remember I am choosing to focus on myself and my relationship with my husband, so if I turn you down in the next couple of months, it's only because I am choosing to focus on me (which doesn't happen often). Thank you all for your continued prayers and support. Please do not give up on us.
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