Letdown

The biggest letdown of probably my whole life just happened today, even worse than when I found out we were going to have to go through this journey. I had my third ultrasound done today and if you remember correctly, my OB/GYN told me that my follicles needed to reach 2 cm to be considered "viable" to release an egg. So, at my ultrasound, I had a 2 cm follicle on the left side and another follicle on the left that measured 1.1 cm and then two on the right hand side, one measured 1 cm and one measured 1.2 cm. The sonographer, which was "C" today (the one who had to go through all of this as well) said today might be the day!! I got so excited. She also said that my endometrium looked great, she said that it's called "triple lined" and that means you are getting ready to ovulate and mine looked just like that, so that put another smile on my face. I was so excited and today Jason is golfing with his boss and some customers in Ravenswood, so I was even thankful for that, that if today is the day, at least he's only an hour away instead of 4! Well now comes along the bad news. I started talking to "C" about there not being a physician there today to read the ultrasound and she said that she would take care of that and send a preliminary report to my OB/GYN. As soon as I left, I immediately called my doctor's office to tell them the great news and to make sure he got to see the report. I spoke with the nurse and she told me he was seeing a patient right now but that she would call me right back. While I was waiting for his call, I called my mom, Jason, and some of my closest friends to tell them to all start praying right now because today could be the day. I started to cry because I was so nervous but yet excited at the same time. I told them all, I didn't want to get my hopes up, just in case , but everything seemed to be falling right in place. Well then comes along the biggest letdown I've ever been faced with...the call from my OB/GYN's office. The nurse calls me back and said that the ideal time for the insemination would be tomorrow, but since its Saturday, the insemination wouldn't be able to happen. So, she says it's not going to be this month, as if its no big deal. Im sure to her its not a big deal, but its the biggest deal ever for me....to get this close and to take these medicines, to have 3 different ultrasounds, to hear and know its the perfect time, and then for it to all be shutdown because its taking place on a Saturday! The nurse also said that my OB/GYN wants me to start having my ultrasounds done in his office so that he can better control them, which I said your office is the one that told me where to go due to my insurance and then she said my OB/GYN would charge me for the first ultrasound and then do the remainder for free, as if this takes away all I've been through for the past month, thanks! Then she ends the conversation saying that he said Jason and I need to have intercourse tonight, tomorrow, and Sunday and good luck! I hang up with my eyes full of tears, I can not even begin to describe all of the feelings I have endured after hearing this....of course I'm sad, I'm emotional, I'm letdown, and then I'm pissed!! I can not believe that I would go through all of this....appointments, pills, mood swings, ultrasounds, time, and lots of money, for pretty much nothing!

Now, onto trying to turn my emotions around and attempting to be positive, even though I really just want to go crawl in bed and cry all day long. I am so blessed that the medicine has worked and that my body has responded to the medicine like it is supposed to. I am choosing to look at not being able to perform the insemination in a positive way, that at least we know on one end (my end) that my body is ready for conceiving and that we will try the good ole' natural God intended way! My great friend Michelle made me laugh, she said I think you all just need to "do it" as much as you can this weekend and I said, I work all weekend Michelle and she said, well you need to take FMLA then, this is very important, can you take FMLA? LOL..I would think that I could, but I guess we will try tonight, tomorrow and Sunday (Happy Easter!) So, please please please keep praying! I am not giving up hope, I'm just frustrated. I know that this too shall pass, and at this time, a road block has been thrown my way. So at this current time, my prayer is for Jason and I to be able to conceive on our own this weekend, maybe that's God's plan after all. If that doesn't work....it will be back to the pills, ultrasounds, appointments...either way, God is in control. Never stop believing and please don't quit praying.